Eclispe, but better
by Zombies8Me
Summary: ...Need I say more?


**Disclaimer: **I don't own any part of the Twilight series. No really, I don't.

* * *

_Bella,_

_I know I'm supposed to love you, but you're an idiot, and I'm really tired of your racist jokes, and you falling on my dear old grandma, killing her and her friends. Plus, your boyfriend is really starting to creep me out, and has sent me about a hundred or so death notes promising my demise if he so much as sees me out of La Push._

_Jacob._

I read the note over again. My pretty chocolate brown eyes reading his ugly handwriting that was, oh, so sloppy for a mythical creature. "Stupid little doggy cannot write like Eddypuss." I smiled prettily.

I skipped down the stairs, sniffing the air and hearing the TV up so loud it hurt my pretty nose and ears. "Charlie! The room smells like tobacco and beer and I can't hear myself think with your TV up so loud!" I cried, running into the living room, where my dad sat, chewing a few mouthfuls of tobacco.

"Ah, cry to yer' freak boyfriend," he said I n his Hill-Billy/white trash accent.

"Fine!" I yelled. The doorbell rang on cue. "Eddypuss!" I squealed happily with delight.

"Bella, hand me my shot gun." Charlie turned the TV off, grabbing at one of his many guns, spitting tobacco juice out the window.

"But Charlie! I _love _Eddypuss! He would never do anything to hurt me!" I whined.

Charlie stared at me, while he loaded his gun with silver bullets. "Right Bella. He'd _nevah_ make ya' run away from home, kidnap ya' fer a month, bring ya' back almost dead, only to leave ya', have you go into violent fits of hysteria, jump off some cliff, thinkin' ya' can fly er sumethin' stupid like that, have his sister fly ya' away to Italy fer three days, come back n' start tryin' to keel all them kids down at Lu Push. Plus totallin' Jacob's motorcycles. That doesn't mean nuthin'. Must be a real good kid."

"Everything sounds stupid when you say it like _that._"

"Nah, it sounds stupid no matter how I say it."

"I'm sorry, I don't speak _stupid_." I ran to the door anyway.

"Bella, that there trash ain't comin' in my house, n' you ain't goin' out 'cause you're grounded." He cocked and pointed his gun at the door where Eddypuss' face would soon be.

"I hate you dad! You're ruining my life!" I wailed, falling to the floor, opening the door anyway. Eddypuss' pretty face appeared. "Eddypuss! Charlie is going to try to kill you! Don't panic!"

Eddypuss turned, his face half an inch away fr gn4tr om the barrel of Charlie's gun. "H-Hi Chief Swan!"

"Take anutha' step n' yer a dead purdy boy."

"Eddypuss! He loaded it with silver bullets!" I warned flailing my arms around his neck.

"_It's okay, I'm immortal, remember?_" he whispered prettily. "_The only thing that can kill me is being ripped to pieces and set on fire._"

I blinked. "That's all? That's _dumb_."

"_Actually, it isn't. You can sneeze on us, or throw water on us, or play country music, and then our heads will explode, or—_"

"That's enough chit chatin'. My fingers be itchin' ta' keel ya' right now." Charlie shoved the barrel into Eddypuss' side.

"But, er, Chief Swan, isn't it against the law to just shoot people?" Eddypuss looked scared.

"This is my town boy! I shoot anybody n' anythin' I feel like I be gonna' shoot. Conprenday?"

"We have homework Charlie!" I whined, sticking my very mortal body in between the gun and the immortal's body.

Charlie spat tobacco juice in Eddypuss' face. "Fine. I don't be carin' in anyway. Y'all can go hang fer all I care." He tossed his gun into the corner, knocking the trigger, ricocheting the bullets off the walls.

When Charlie was gone, Eddypuss breathed a sigh of relief. "I was reading your mail and you didn't get accepted anywhere, so I had to bribe a community college to let you in."

"Bella!" Charlie called from the next room.

"Yeah what do you want you old crazy man?" I demanded prettily.

"Yer friend called. Jacob—"

"**What?!**" Eddypuss' pretty voice over-flowed with venom and rage and evilness. He stared at me with ice-cold hate. "**Never say that scum's name if you want to live!**" and he ripped all our phones and phone cords out and off the wall.

"Hey! What ya' doin' punk? Your rippin' up my house!" Charlie screamed, grabbing his gun again, but Eddypuss grabbed it first, and started shooting the distorted pieces left from the phones, and proceeded to drop the thousand dollar laptops out the window, running over them in his car, so I couldn't email. "See what I mean Bella? This boy be an abusive freak!" Charlie yelled, pointing out the window at Eddypuss, who was setting the broken remains on fire, dancing around them, screaming.

"How could you say that? He's doing this because he loves me!"

"Tell ya' what Bella. I will pay you five hundurd dollars if you can go to Lu Push one time."

"Fine! Eddypuss will be fine with that!"

"Ya' hafta' ask him first?" Charlie asked stupidly.

"Yes—no, maybe…shut-up!" I whined, running up the stairs crying.

* * *

"B-But Eddypuss! Why not?" I cried.

"**To keep you safe…of course.**" His voice was evil.

"Then why is your voice so evil?"

"**My voice isn't evil.**"

"Then why can't I go see Jacobpoo?"

"**Because you are much safer with vampires who thirst for your blood and have to concentrate every time they're near you because it's so impossible to resist sucking your blood, thus killing you. Being with werewolves, who can control when they're wolves, call themselves 'the protectors', and gorge themselves on hotdogs, would be as bad as tying yourself up to the train tracks no one uses…and I—we, couldn't have that. Now could we?**"

"Charlie says you're an over-bearing, control-freak, hell-bent on manipulating my God given free-will to your every whim."

"**Charlie is an imbecile. **Note to self, Charlie gets a death note."

"Okay…"

"**So I'm going to have 24/7/12/365 watch on you by at least four vampires at all times.** Okay? Goodbye!" he jumped out the window, running away to eat.

I waited five minutes just to be sure, and ran down stairs, with my keys. "Bye Charlie! I'm going to go see Jacobpoo and earn five hundred bucks!"

"Okay!" he called. "Don't be so sure…" he laughed quietly when he thought I couldn't hear.

Outside I jumped in my car and turned the key. Eddypuss appeared beside me. "**WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GOING TO SEE THE WEREWOLVES?!**" he grabbed the key from me, pulled me out of the car, and proceeded to destroy it. "**DIE! DIE! DIE!**" He filled the inside with gasolines, and dropped in a burning match. "**Now try to see your precious werewolf friends,mortal!**" he laughed evilly.

I started crying again. "Eddypuss! I was going to win the bet, I was going to have five hundred dollars!" I cried.

"Bella." His voice was pretty again. "This is for my own pleasure…I-I mean! _Your_! Your own safety…that's what I meant."

"Then why did you lit my car on fire?" I looked up with my pretty face at his pretty face.

"Uh…because it's better this way."

"Oh, well if you say so, than it must be so!" I giggled, jumping up, forgetting the flaming car.

"If I come out, and one more thin' is burnin' on my driveway, I am goin' to keel that there freakin' freak boy!" Charlie yelled from inside, cocking his gun again.

The next day Eddypuss told me he was going to California to hunt. "So you're going to stay in my house until I get back."

"But, why?"

"**Because those dirty werewolves are everywhere!**"

"No, they aren't…they stay on the reservation…"

"Shut up women! If I want the opinion of a **female** I will ask for it! **Understand? You speak when spoken to!**"

I sighed. "Eddypuss! You're so romantic!"

* * *

That night, when I was locked in Eddypuss' room by his sisters and mom, Rosalie, the stupid vampire who hated me because I was so much prettier than her, knocked. "Eddypuss, and/or one of his hot brothers or dad?" I asked.

"No." she opened the door.

"Oh. It's _you_. Go away. You smell, and, and, I hate you!" I fell back down.

"This is the only time when I get to actually talk, and so I'm going to tell you my life's story."

[Edited for long boring story with nothing to do with the plot.]

* * *

The next day, my kidnappers—I mean my boyfriend's sisters, took me to school.

"Bella! Quick jump on!" Jacob yelled from his motorcycle.

"I can't! Eddypuss doesn't want me too…even if I would have gotten five hundred dollars."

"Do you do everything Edward tells you?" he asked.

"**BELLA! HOW DARE YOU SPEAKETH TO SCUM LIKE THIS! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT YOU—I MEAN HIM FOR IT!**" Edward appeared out of nowhere, yelling with evil evilness. So being the strong, determined, feminist person I am, I curled up into a ball on the asphalt and cried.

[Edited for extreme violence.]

* * *

"Bella, my love, will you marry me?" Edward asked, sometime later when I was being held at their house against my will. Victoria was back, apparently, trying to kill me, so the werewolves and vampires had made peace…well kind of. Edward still went all evil when he saw a dog, or heard the word 'canine'.

"No."

"_Bella, my love, will you marry me?_" he asked, a little more harshly.

"No!"

"**Bella, my love, will you marry me?**" he asked, getting that evilness.

"_No!_"

"**BELLA! MARRY ME OR DIE!**" he roared.

"Uh, okay!"

"Sorry to break up this cozy little scene, but we have to go down to the meadow before Victoria and all her little lackeys come to kill Bella." Alice popped in, laughing happily.

* * *

_**A few long boring scenes later...**_

"Whoa. Somehow we defeated all of those new born vampires!" Eddypuss smiled.

"So I guess this means teamwork really did triumph over stupid little grudges eh boys?" I asked my two boyfriends, the blood-sucker and the hairy dog boy.

"Sure Bella!" Jacob hugged me.

"You bet!" Eddypuss hugged me around him.

"I will kill you Cullen." Jacob hissed evilly.

"I will kill you first."

"I will kill your first born!"

"No, you get stuck with my first born!" he laughed, thought about that for a moment and punched Jacob's nose off, which instantly grew back.

"That's it!" and a huge random fight between werewolves and vampires occurred.

"No! Stop fighting! Can't we all just learn to love each other and get along?" Carlisle and Esme begged.

"Hey! Look! If it ain't Dr. Purdy Boy and his Albino wife!" Charlie laughed, spitting tobacco at them.

"Okay, time to kill!" Carlisle ripped off his shirt, trying to be manly, but needless to say, he failed miserably.

"Well isn't this a cozy ending?" Jane and the other Volturi asked, emerging from the fog.

"Hey! While we were all having fun, somehow we forgot there's a royal family of vampires with horrible powers out to kill Bella!" Eddypuss yelled.

"We still have to kill Bella." Jane smiled.

"Why? Because I'm _prettier _than you?" I yelled, shoving her in the chest.

* * *

So ended the legacy of Bella Swan. Daughter of tobacco chewing, white trash father Charlie...

Beloved of Edward Cullen, controlling jerk...

And Jacob, who was her second choice, but still liked her for some reason unbeknown to us...

* * *

Unfortunately, I'm just kidding about that last part . . . otherwise, how could there be a Breaking Dawn, but better?

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 2009


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